Stage 1 – Tension starts to build in the relationship, often with the abuser getting more and more irritable, making unreasonable demands and having small outbursts. The victim tries to keep the abuser happy, anticipating and doing whatever it takes to avoid a large outburst. Victim often feels like they are “walking on eggshells” during this period.

Stage II – An acute incident in the form of intense abuse (physical, emotional, verbal, etc.) occurs. The abuser rages, using any and all methods of abuse to gain control over the victim. The victim usually feels intimidated, fearful, scared, and may do whatever it takes to protect themselves and their children.

Stage III – The relief or “The Honeymoon” phase when the abuser shows remorse for their actions, and often makes promises to get help, never act out again, etc. This is the stage which keeps the victim hooked to the relationship, with the victim believing the abuser’s promises of change while minimizing the previous abuse. Eventually, however, most abusive relationships move back into stage I, with tension building ultimately leading to another abusive incident.

The Power and Control Wheel illustrating an abusive relationship

INTIMIDATION: Using looks, actions, gestures, smashing things to make you feel afraid, destroying property, displaying weapons, and abusing pets.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE: Put downs, making you feel bad about yourself, name calling, making you think you are crazy, playing “mind games”, humiliation, and using guilt.

ISOLATION: Controlling what you do, when you do it and how you do it, who you see, what you read, and where you go. Limiting your outside involvement with others, and using jealously to justify actions.

USING CHILDREN: Threatening to take children away, using them to relay messages, hurting them to get to you, making you feel guilty about them, and badmouthing you in front of them.

ENTITLEMENT & PRIVELAGE: Treating you like a servant, making all the big decisions, acting like the “master of the house”, and being the one to define men’s and women’s roles.

MINIMIZING, DENYING & BLAMING: Making light of the abuse, not taking your concerns about it seriously, saying the abuse didn’t happen, and shifting responsibility of the abusive behavior/blaming you for the abuse.

COERCION & THREATS: Making and/or carrying out threats to hurt you, threatening to leave or commit suicide, reporting you to welfare/immigration, and making you drop charges.

ECONOMIC ABUSE: Preventing you from getting or keeping a job, making you ask for money, taking your money, not letting you know about/have access to family income.

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